Gangsters and Singers

Emo-Schorsch

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Do you know this man?

Footage from a surveillance camera shows a suspect juvenile, approximately 15 years, who broke into the Hanne-Louise Dessous Store on Friday night. Lingerie worth 800 € was stolen from the store. According to the local police chief the suspect is most likely a certain Spanner Schorsch who has a record of stalking women in showers at the local public pool. Police and family counsel workers are seeking information of his whereabouts in order to assist with sociological and psychological treatment.

Hagen San

Für abendliche Entspannung gestresster Unternehmer sorgt Hagen San's neueröffnetes Unterhaltungsetablissement TP2 (Twisted Perversions 2). Der Meister höchstselbst nahm während der opulenten Eröffnungszeremonie das Pony am Riemen und entzückte Jung und Alt mit einer meisterlichen Darbietung fachkundiger Dressur.

Illegal Experiments

A special police unit closed down an illegal laboratory yesterday night in Lünz. Owner of the building complex Vülüri Philob was taken into custody but released for later questioning without imediate charges.

Animal rights groups accuse the owner of said laboratory of illegal and imoral action against rare species. Released documentation of their claims, see foto, fails to connect those truly horrific actions to Mr Vülüri.

A statement of the state attorney will be released later today.

Teutonen-Schorsch

Having denounced his motherland which led to a nationwide crisis, local riots and international statements of concern, former playboy and country singer Stelzn-Schorsch was seen defacting to our northern neighbors. Despite a clever disguise to foil prosecutors and assassins special agent Max "Miaschaissnsenix" Meinl succeeded in uncovering his new identity. Teutonen- Schorsch remains on the run and will possible seek refuge in a country without tight contacts to key european community governments.

Dr Best

Als würdiger Nachfolger des legendären Frauenarztes Dr Best steht nun Dr.Gyn.Gelen, Fernsehzusehern besser bekannt als Popscherl- Schorsch, an vorderster Front in den Medien. Eine erste Reklameserie hochqualitativer Einführhilfen erzielte die erwarteten Einschaltquoten, was auf eine ausgeklügelte Marketingstrategie und Berücksichtigung der Zielgruppenanalyse schließen läßt.